I Dreamt

And I dreamt a most beautiful dream...
I dreamt of a time when everything fell into place.
I dreamt of a time when seconds turned into hours and I became one with all.
I dreamt of a time when I saw the beauty that surrounded me in everything.
A time when the trees whispered secrets about the birds, while crickets clicked their legs.
A time when the sunset painted the sky a bloody orange with swirls of purple.
I dreamt of a place where the heavens met the meadows and the grass whistled with the wind in joy.
A time of pleasure.
A time of unharnessed emotions.
I dreamt of a touch that started curiously at my collar bone and found its way to the small of my thigh.
I dreamt I felt the cool breeze consume me, cool me, lure me.
I dreamt that each hair, golden red, danced with each ray of light in the gentle gusts.
I dreamt that each freckle on my skin told a story of my past, both permanent and private.
I dreamt of a heart so wondrous and filled with desire; a soul that never surrendered in times of despair.
I dreamt of a bone that held my body together with sage and strength.
I dreamt of a companion who never wanted more then I could give and never took more then I offered.
I dreamt a most beautiful dream...
A time when I am me, and I am what I believe in.

Blackberry Gl-Gl-Glitch

Hellooo! I am officially back in Macon and I am happy to be in my new apartment once again and reunited with my wingman. Nothing too exciting is going on in the home front, but I will amuse you today with a play list and a healthy grocery list for those of you who want to feel great all day. The downside of the grocery list is that produce is on the pricier side, but I'll tell you how to cut corners below. 

Note to self: Beastie Boys and The Roots are awesome to to wake up to.

Note to self: Don't ever buy a car battery from the Walmart off of Gray Highway. They suck over there, big time. 

Note to self: Sunscreen and hats will be getting me through this summer. Since when was it okay for the temperature in 31201 to be this relentless. 

Playlist #1 for summer creativity - "Computer Glitch"

Bad Wings - The Glitch Mob

A Dream Within a Dream - The Glitch Mob

Between Two Points feat. Swan - The Glitch Mob  

Drive It Like You Stole It - The Glitch Mob

Fortune Days - The Glitch Mob

Steppin' Razor  - Kraddy Artsy Remix (feat. The Grouch) - edIT Certified Air Raid Material - edIT Straight Heat - edIT Crunk De Gaulle (feat. TTC, Busdriver and D-Styles) - edIT

Full Metal Jacket (175PF Reload) - Liquid Stranger

Rough Road ( Fender Bender Fix) - Liquid Stranger

Psychedelic Stereo - Mimosa

The Apartment Grocery List


WATER        WATER      WATER     WATER
Milk

-Almond (for me)
-Regular ( for him)
Apples
Limes or Lemons ( which ever feel firmer or smell fresher)
Rotisserie Chicken ( Take the skin off of it. The skin is NOT nutritious!)
1lb. of Turkey Breast, low sodium Boar's Head ( the one that has a healthy heart next to it)
Feta Cheese ( add basil to it! )
BROWN RICE ( 1 Cup or 1 1/2 Cup depending on if you worked out)
Tomatoes
Cucumbers
Lettuce ( spinach is the best for you, but what ever you can afford is fine)
Egg Whites
Whole Grain English Muffins
Smucker's All Natural Peanut Butter
Greek Yogurt ( Fage and Oikos are expensive.. stick to Chobani 10 for $10 at Walmart and Kroger)
---* if that is still too expensive,  Dannon Light and Fit is GREAT.
Olive Oil
Balsamic Vinegar
Asparagus
Onion
Bell Peppers
Carrots
Salmon
Tuna---  or Tunafish for those who prefer canned fish because of cost. (BUT REMEMBER Light Mayo if you are doing tunafish)
Triscuits - Reduced Fat
HUMMUS
- Red Pepper
- Spinach and Artichoke
Berries
- Blueberries
- Black Berries
Pickles ( for when you are craving salt)
Celery ( pairs well with, well everything! no eating it by itself. Not healthy.)
Mint Chewing Gum


The grocery list above gives you copious amounts of different ingredients to work with. Season them up! Stay away from butter, go easy on the olive oil. BE CREATIVE! The healthier you eat, the more your body wants ( YOUR METABOLISM SPEEDS UP), and in return it thanks you by giving you better skin ( a glow too!) and energy!

-- Produce is expensive. We all know this, so there are solutions. Coupon collecting is one method. Saving ten cents here and  two dollars there really adds up. Be smart. Be efficient.
--- MULBERRY STREET MARKET: need I say more? Purchase local farm produce that has not been tampered with, and the produce is a much smarter purchase then the ghetto gas/ kroger late night runs for pizzas, icecream, cookies, and Frito Lay's HELL.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SHOP AT FRESH MARKET UNLESS YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO DO SO (super expensive).

ATTENTION: FOR THOSE WHO DRINK
- Red wine.  1-2 glasses and you will satisfy your urge to drink and you are throwing back anti- oxidants and calories that are not empty.
* Stay away from beer : Carbs, Calories, and Sugars that are empty.
* White Wine is better than beer but try to stick to Red.

If you are having liquor drinks... pair the liquor with lime juice, club soda, diet coke...sparingly, or water. Worst comes to worse, carry water in your glass with lime or lemon and just do shots, that way you eliminate your fruity sugary coma inducing crap mixers.

Cheers!

Listography

New challenge. Fill my three moleskins by the end of the summer with all my lists.
I am an avid list maker, it runs in my family. It helps me focus and organize thoughts and bullet point errands and check off my chores.

Everyone should try listography. You find out a lot about yourself, especially the similarities between  what your different senses like and dislike. For example: favorite things to touch compared to favorite things to smell (there's even listography books at B&N). Google listography ideas too.  Maybe you will find making lists to be as thrilling yet soothing as I do. Remember, the lists can be of anything!

My favorite moleskins are the tan graph paper mini books. For a pack of three it's $9.00 for paper heaven (the paper is thicker then average paper so my Cross pen ink doesn't bleed through, cha ching).


Today's current to do list:  p.s. thanks Macbook for making all of my pictures backwards. jerk

Note to self: Figure out a name for new computer.


Playlist: ( In the spirit of Dispatch)

Cover This- Dispatch
Prince of Spades- Dispatch
Four Day Trial- Dispatch
Headlights- Dispatch
Past the Falls- Dispatch
Bang Bang- Dispatch
Lightning- Dispatch
Time Served- Dispatch
Mayday- Dispatch


I request they play those songs in that order.

Oh and here's one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes cartoons ( I have two of the comic books haha)
Click on the cartoon if you can't read it.

iFIGHT

I was stumbling and came across this page full of writing topics, so I am taking the liberty of utilizing it in my blog. Thanks, whoever you are... you helped me.

• http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2O7DqF/www.writing.upenn.edu/library/Mayer-Bernadette_Experiments.html

Note to readers: I doing a really awesome pen pal exchange with Kristen Blackwell. We are sending each other mixed cds over the summer to keep each other sane and sound.

Fact: Throughout high school I was picked on because I never had the perfect hair, the new expensive designer clothes, the mercedes, or the huge mansion. I wasn't the prettiest or the girliest. I wasn't prom queen. I wasn't on the arm of the most popular guy in school. I never ate sushi with the cool kids at school, or ordered in lunch to show off. I lunch boxed it every day. I listened to grunge and metal every morning on my way to school and parked in the back of the parking lot to avoid confrontation. I would sometimes change out of my band t shirts (that I slept in the night prior) in the car because I cared too much about my sleep to wake up early enough to look presentable at school ( we had a dress code that consisted of collard shirts and khakis). I kept short punk hair so I never had to do it in the mornings. I joined cheerleading and every other club to find solace and refuge, but quickly learned they were never waiting in any club or behind some door for me. I was a loser who escaped the world with music, art, and a macbook. I sought out comfort in other kids like me in art programs and through mutual friends. I found comfort amongst misfits and outcasts who felt kicked to the wayside. It did not take long for me in school to realize I had very few friends who I liked to surround myself with because no one was ever on my level intellectually ( that is not to say I was so brilliant that no one was my equal... but rather no one experienced and processed life on the same wavelength as me). I took first period and the period after lunch as my free periods and sat in the art room. I wasn't the best artist, but I was good enough to shine in some part of the collective school day. I ran my heart out on the field everyday I had lacrosse practice. I dreamt I was alone on the field and no one was harassing me. I dreamt I was quickly roaming and looking for an exit strategy. Until senior year ended, I thought that if I just kept my nose down, and my feet firmly planted, I would escape my life and be carried with the wind. I would be blown to my next destination, without any questions asked. Everything changed for me in college. The ugly duckling turned into a swan by making a positive reputation for herself, by growing into her own skin, by learning that girls who 'have to' live up to strict expectations envy her free willed nature, and lastly learning that the words 'yes' and 'doormat' go hand in hand.

The truth is, after all the soul searching I have done, all the amazing places I have been, all the partying I adhere to, all the friends I have made a long the way, and all the intimacy I have experienced with friends and loves....  nothing has changed. I am still this 5'3 redheaded, glasses wearing, double bass loving, mouthy kid who dreams of bigger plans and possibilities each day than herself is tall. A girl who believes there are people out there who love as big and as much as she does every day. I fight severe anxiety every day without medication, and I complain all the time about how hard things are and how much my life sucks at the moment. But who the hell am I to get down on myself about not being enough or worthy or most importantly, lucky. 

Tonight's blog is dedicated to my friend. I owe it to myself and to you to make a list of the top ten positives in my life, because I have so much going for me yet I sulk and still think like my sixteen year old self.

* each starts with: ' I am lucky to'

1. I am lucky to have my health and a functioning brain.
2. I am lucky to have a roof over my head and food to eat ( clothing too).
3. I am lucky to have an education that will help provide for me in the long run.
4. I am lucky to have a family who supports myself and my decisions.
5. I am lucky to have friends, both new and old and both near and far.
6. I am lucky to be able to hear, because without my hearing I wouldn't know what 'I love you', or the sound of rain, or the sound of instruments, heartbeats, and breathing sounds like.
7. I am lucky to have a wild imagination. It takes me any and everywhere.
8. I am lucky to have you.
9. I am lucky to be pretty and have curves.
10. I am lucky to be unique with quirks and imperfections, because being perfect and pristine is too hard of a job to keep up with.

Never stop being yourself. You only have what is truly yours, so make the most of what you have.

Playlist:
Better off this Way- A Day to Remember
All I Want- A Day to Remember

For You, Troubled Mind.

I have been so busy with school ending and getting my new apartment organized that my life, once more, has been put on hold. I don't know whether or not I am lazy or just not driven (and I hope its just an awful phase in my life), but I seem to want to do all these things on my list but in actuality I never find the time to do them all. Forced remedy: it is summer time, and I have so much more free time to do all the things that I want to do but would not ordinarily make time for.

So lately the things I have accomplished:
went to a wine tasting at the Biltmore Estate
learned/ am still learning origami
learned how to play dominoes
learned how to play spades (even though it is not on my list)
completed a drawing, and I am in the process of another while I am at home
Phillies vs. Braves game--- jumbotrannnnnn
Read a book, and onto the next. I am not sure what I will pick; maybe all of my Halvin and Hobbes comics?

I started my trip home on Tuesday, leaving Macon for Johnson City, TN to stay with Alex. Its one of those trips that unknowingly nails you back down to reality. I knew I missed him a lot, but it was one of those times where you don't actually realize how much you love and miss someone until you see them for the first time in a year or so. In my opinion, some of the best friendships are ones where you may not talk to the person habitually, but when you finally do talk or see them, its like no time has passed by and a genuine interest in each other stays consistent. Alex and I spent most of our time being around each other. Not always talking, or doing something stimulating, but always syncing, if you will.

Setting: 2:50am, Monday, June 23rd 2011- Rain echoing through my room. Sleepless in New Jersey.


Once again, I had an excruciatingly long car trip home to Cherry Hill from TN, 11 hours, filled with rainstorms, absent minded drivers, and one overwhelmingly overloaded mind. Am I the only person my age who worries and over thinks her future? I doubt it, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way. I realized I'm not insecure, but rather naturally apprehensive. I let things consume my every thought to the point of self- induced exhaustion. I am hesitant of people coming into my life and taking too much of myself and from myself. I am wary of losing things I have worked so hard to erect or receive. And incessantly, I beat myself up for not being the best automatically at things I know I will be good at with time, and for what? To feel less than my equals? I think we learn our habits and patterns by our surrounding environments early on, and while I lived a privileged lifestyle my entire existence, there were so many lessons that went untaught or missing. As of right now, I have done the most growing and learning in my college career by the people who currently surround me. And as predicted, ultimately there are moments of clarity in my newly scoped life, and they happen when I am home or when I am isolated. I watch my Dad accomplish things that no other person would accomplish if they were in his position, and it metaphorically sucker punches me back into reality, or rather snaps me indisputably into place.Never once does he complain. Never once is he mean or ill tongued. Never once does he say I can't or I won't. He is patient and perseveres always. I think we are so quick to think about ourselves, and what is best for our needs/health that we lose sight of how beautiful a human soul can be. We forget to step back and appreciate everything we are given and who we have in our lives. We forget to treat others well, and remember who our real allies are. I'm no saint, and I try to be kind hearted and unfalteringly loyal, but everyone has their weak moments. I have to remember that we learn from our actions and grow from our imperfections.


Why are we creatures of habit? Why can those habits be so contagious and unfaltering?...why is it so hard to keep habits that are good for us, while the bad habits stir subconsciously everyday?
Change is so good for us, yet we fear it the most.


Playlist: (most mainstream playlist I will probably ever post)
Kaki King- Joi
Beck- True Love Will Find You in the End
Eddie Vedder- Long Road
Train- Mississippi
John Mayer- In Your Atmosphere (album: where the light is)
Jay Nash- Over You
Trespassers William- Different Stars
The Be Good Tanyas- Rain and Snow
Bob Marley- No Woman No Cry
DMB- Out of My Hands ( Live at Radio City with Tim Reynolds)




                        We are the luckiest of creatures if we experience friendship and companionship.

Wandering Soul

Playlist for the week:
Is There a Ghost In My House- Band of Horses
Timestretch- Bassnectar
Sure Shot- Beastie Boys
Bring the Noise- Benny Benassi & Public Enemy
Cloud Nine- Big Gigantic
Lucid Dreams- Big Gigantic
All We Have- Brett Dennan
Blood On Our Hands- Death from Above 1979
Little Girl- Death from Above 1979
Prince of Spades- Dispatch
Rise- Eddie Vedder
Scar Tissue- RHCP

What the hell am I supposed to do with my life after school.
Something has to support me with my art degrees. Right?
What should I put into my portfolio?
Why can't I have the answers. I am tired of all the pressure and bad dreams. I sleep best from 5am to 10am now because of my dreams. They consume me.
Teeth dreams, death dreams, vanishing dreams. My soul is restless, my brain is clouded, and my feet keep running.

Lost For TWO Months: PART ONE

Note to self: We are so afraid of losing things we already have.
Remember: Everything is a trend.


For those of you who are avid and loyal followers, you may now welcome me back. I lost myself for a couple months, not to a haze, but rather a whirlwind. It's gusts were powerful and persuasive, but I triumphed.


Chandler came home Thursday. I have to go see him.


My birth father wants to know everything about me. From basic molecular structure to scars. Its pretty awesome.


Aaron and I are moving in together. BOOOOOM.


Note to self: wheat beer is my favorite. I like/ love it unpasteurized and unfiltered.
Next comes rye pale ale then stouts.
The Iron Birch. The new beer in town. Art work soon to come.


New beer:  Left Hand milk stout.


I write tonight about interpersonal subconscious communication and creativity. I am a dreamer. I day dream more than I actually institute.There are moments when I have dreams that never stay long enough for me to act on them, and there are unflinching moments of desire and want for more. I want so often but seldom take the initial steps. I go through phases every year that are triggered by circumstance. Some circumstances are annual, but for the most part their arrival dates are unforeseeable ( if that makes sense). I lack the discipline and self determination. Example: this blog, I have not written in over two months, which means I already broke my vow I instituted for myself. Well, I have this friend who recently told me something that really put my wants into perspective: Now its your turn to listen:
           Success and passion do not find you. You find them. It's not about waiting around for the right idea or opportunity to come along while in the mean time you are sitting on your ass. Its not about being the first to come up with an idea, its about grabbing a hold of something you really love, and practicing it over and over again. While doing so, you personalize it and stylize it so that your interest, that you love so much, is recognizable as your own. Success comes from practice. Passion comes from hobbies and interests. If you want to be successful and happy doing so, you have to work hard but at the same time, practice something over and over again until you make it your own. So that the quality of work is notably yours even though the idea or hobby has been around for some time.
         There is a level were if the chemistry is right between two people, they can communicate their needs without words. This blog started because of a list and mind full of desires and needs. That list derived from a need to be active. A need to live. Actively utilizing my brain and body every day. When two people share one thought and one desire, its a connection on a subconsciously interpersonal level. There's a desire for myself to be more hands on and more intellectually and physically tuned, and the person sitting next to me at the time said the exact thing. Pretty awesome. Goodbye television, I have never owned you before or given you the time of day in fact, but your lethargic and zombie like side effects are not of interest in the newly established household. Its learning time and bike riding time. Remember that our bodies are instruments and we can gauge them however we like. We can hyper sense if we implore ourselves to tap into that portion of the brain.


Quote:
Out of the meaningless practical shapes of all that is living or lifeless
Joined with the artist's eye, new life, new form, new colour.
Out of the sea of sound the life of music,
Out of the slimy mud of words, out of the sleet and hail of verbal imprecisions,
Approximate thoughts and feelings, words that have taken the place of thoughts and feelings,
There spring the perfect order of speech, and the beauty of incantation.
-T.S. Eliot




Playlist is not to be taken lightly. May not be pleasing to the ears of pansies (except the ray, kanye, and vedder). haha.



Repo Man- Ray LaMontagne and The Pariah Dogs
The Devil's In the Jukebox- Ray LaMontagne and The Pariah Dogs
Hard Sun- Eddie Vedder
No Transitory- Alexisonfire
Sharks and Danger- Alexisonfire  (such a great breakdown)
That Girl Possessed- Alexisonfire
All of the Lights- Kanye West (guilty pleasure, Oh I think so)
Shame On a Nigga- Wutang Clan
500 Miles- Boombox
You've Got the Love- Florence and The Machine
Rabbit Heart (SLOF MAN dubstep remix)- Florence and The Machine
A Pillar of Salt- The Thermals
A State Like Yours- The Thermals
Speak the Truth- Throwdown