- http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2O7DqF/www.writing.upenn.edu/library/Mayer-Bernadette_Experiments.html
Note to readers: I doing a really awesome pen pal exchange with Kristen Blackwell. We are sending each other mixed cds over the summer to keep each other sane and sound.
Fact: Throughout high school I was picked on because I never had the perfect hair, the new expensive designer clothes, the mercedes, or the huge mansion. I wasn't the prettiest or the girliest. I wasn't prom queen. I wasn't on the arm of the most popular guy in school. I never ate sushi with the cool kids at school, or ordered in lunch to show off. I lunch boxed it every day. I listened to grunge and metal every morning on my way to school and parked in the back of the parking lot to avoid confrontation. I would sometimes change out of my band t shirts (that I slept in the night prior) in the car because I cared too much about my sleep to wake up early enough to look presentable at school ( we had a dress code that consisted of collard shirts and khakis). I kept short punk hair so I never had to do it in the mornings. I joined cheerleading and every other club to find solace and refuge, but quickly learned they were never waiting in any club or behind some door for me. I was a loser who escaped the world with music, art, and a macbook. I sought out comfort in other kids like me in art programs and through mutual friends. I found comfort amongst misfits and outcasts who felt kicked to the wayside. It did not take long for me in school to realize I had very few friends who I liked to surround myself with because no one was ever on my level intellectually ( that is not to say I was so brilliant that no one was my equal... but rather no one experienced and processed life on the same wavelength as me). I took first period and the period after lunch as my free periods and sat in the art room. I wasn't the best artist, but I was good enough to shine in some part of the collective school day. I ran my heart out on the field everyday I had lacrosse practice. I dreamt I was alone on the field and no one was harassing me. I dreamt I was quickly roaming and looking for an exit strategy. Until senior year ended, I thought that if I just kept my nose down, and my feet firmly planted, I would escape my life and be carried with the wind. I would be blown to my next destination, without any questions asked. Everything changed for me in college. The ugly duckling turned into a swan by making a positive reputation for herself, by growing into her own skin, by learning that girls who 'have to' live up to strict expectations envy her free willed nature, and lastly learning that the words 'yes' and 'doormat' go hand in hand.
The truth is, after all the soul searching I have done, all the amazing places I have been, all the partying I adhere to, all the friends I have made a long the way, and all the intimacy I have experienced with friends and loves.... nothing has changed. I am still this 5'3 redheaded, glasses wearing, double bass loving, mouthy kid who dreams of bigger plans and possibilities each day than herself is tall. A girl who believes there are people out there who love as big and as much as she does every day. I fight severe anxiety every day without medication, and I complain all the time about how hard things are and how much my life sucks at the moment. But who the hell am I to get down on myself about not being enough or worthy or most importantly, lucky.
Tonight's blog is dedicated to my friend. I owe it to myself and to you to make a list of the top ten positives in my life, because I have so much going for me yet I sulk and still think like my sixteen year old self.
* each starts with: ' I am lucky to'
1. I am lucky to have my health and a functioning brain.
2. I am lucky to have a roof over my head and food to eat ( clothing too).
3. I am lucky to have an education that will help provide for me in the long run.
4. I am lucky to have a family who supports myself and my decisions.
5. I am lucky to have friends, both new and old and both near and far.
6. I am lucky to be able to hear, because without my hearing I wouldn't know what 'I love you', or the sound of rain, or the sound of instruments, heartbeats, and breathing sounds like.
7. I am lucky to have a wild imagination. It takes me any and everywhere.
8. I am lucky to have you.
9. I am lucky to be pretty and have curves.
10. I am lucky to be unique with quirks and imperfections, because being perfect and pristine is too hard of a job to keep up with.
Never stop being yourself. You only have what is truly yours, so make the most of what you have.
Playlist:
Better off this Way- A Day to Remember
All I Want- A Day to Remember
I had like 7 friends in high school. I only speak to one of them now (and he goes to Mercer). The rest, I couldn't stand then.
ReplyDeleteOther than band, I did nothing. I spent my time at school with people I didn't like, and one day out of the weekends. I hated it. Everyday. They didn't know me then, and they don't know me now.
I was alone. I was the doubly quiet and talkative girl who could make anyone laugh, but was all alone. People who knew me then wouldn't recognize me now. I am more myself now than ever before. I got tired of holding myself back. It wasn't fair to me to be anyone other than myself.
When I finally left home for Mercer, I decided to go outside the mold I had imposed on myself for so long and make new types of friends. The best decision I ever made was to simply be myself.
I love you to pieces, Kati Mogil. You're beautiful, brilliant, and brave.